I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
