She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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