drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
