Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
