so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
