guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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