Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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