if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
