It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
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