Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
