no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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