Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
