Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
