I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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