pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
