I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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