I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
