i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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