Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize