How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
