Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
