Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
