How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
