Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
