You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
