I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Randomize
