how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
