apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
