I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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