I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
