I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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