he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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