At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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