also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
