Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
