a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
