New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
My ass is underappreciated
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
