I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
