Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Randomize
