dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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