just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Randomize
