There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize