She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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