Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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