When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
