I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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