I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Mom said you looked used
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Randomize
