I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
