I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
