Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
