his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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