i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I just want nice things and good sex
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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