I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
