They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
