Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
