And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
