I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
