3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
