And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
