I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize