you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
